I’ve attended one training while with NAZA in Raub, Pahang. One of the speakers said this “we did not exist 100 years before and we surely did not exist the next 100 years, we only live during this 100 years plus minus”
Last two three days, I’ve always think about my death. I’m not so sure why I have that thought. Maybe because I think a lot about the death of few humanitarians lately and increasing number of sudden death in Malaysia.
I start thinking where I will die, how I will die and when I will die.
Where I will die? At home, on the ground, abroad or in my country. Where I will die, in the hospital – on the plane – in the toilet – in my house – in the jungle – on sleeping bed – trapped in a ruined builing – in the water; sea or river?
How I will die – Is it because of accident, car crash or explosion, or I drowned or being stabbed by someone. Or maybe I was caught in gunfire and being shot. Or maybe I took overdose pill, or I was hit by an object from above? Or I was sleeping while driving and my car hit the road divider or the tree. Or during my journey, the ship capsize and there is not enough life jacket… Or maybe my end will be with the animal – the wild beast – tiger or lion or maybe the anaconda? Or someone come to my house, ransacked my house and killed me with gun or using some other weapons. I don’t have the answer and it will remain mystery to me.
When I will die? – Today – Tonight – Tomorrow – Day after tomorrow – Next week – Next month – Next Year – another two years – another ten years? If tomorrow – am I ready? If next week – have I done enough for the people? If next month – have I done enough for my family? We never knew when – the exact day, the exact hour, the exact minute, the exact second and the exact moment…
The next set of questions that come through my mind are what will happened to my family – my wife – my parents – my children. After death where I will go – how the next journey will be? I do believe in day after – I do believe in hell and heaven – I do believe in torture and reward by God – I do believe in the Doomsday.
How my family will survive without me if I have to leave them suddenly. How they can adjust their life in a short period of time. My wife have to takeover as a breadwinner – can she survive and can she make it though I knew she can do it.
How will be the feelings of my children – facing the coming days without father to share joy and sorrow. How will be the feelings of my children when they see their friends went for holidays with their parents when their father is no more there to hug them.
Who will take care of my parents when I was not there to assist them anymore. It must be a very touching and painful moment to pass through this kind of situation.
I have gone through many funerals including my grandfathers and grandmothers, my uncle and aunties and even my own daughter. It was something that is too difficult for me to share and to describe the feeling – losing your love ones and knowing that you can do nothing to stop it.
I always put myself in the shoes of those brothers or fathers who their son are now in the battlefield – in the garrison – in the frontline for whatever war – whatever cause – put aside whether they are there for a genuine cause or for someone’s agenda. Whether the war is for a noble cause or to protect the existence of a tribe, ideology or anything.
The families, the wife and children will always be in pressure to ensure the safety of the loved ones being taken care. And should there be any news of anything concern regarding the place and area where the loves ones was there, especially news of killing or accident – it will be very stressful and upon knowing it is your loves ones that involved it will be such a disaster and will be very difficult to absorb.
Anyhow, one day – I will die. I will leave this world. I will leave my families, my career, my property… everything, including this blog… it is true.. time will be the witness.